The Crying Baby and the Midnight Muse

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12:32 am: Usually he’s woken up three times by now, but tonight he’s fast asleep.  My go-to excuse for not writing is a 12-month old- and he’s such a champ with the interruptions.  Since he’s quiet I’m left to my own devices.  I have gone through all the normal motions of ‘inspiration’ that don’t actually get me writing. I’ve poured over Glennon Doyle McKennon’s blog and YouTube speeches, I’ve watched an entire movie with Cooper because ‘bonding time is important’, I’ve killed some roaches in our kitchen cause ‘thems Got to go’, gave fresh water to the cat… and I’m waiting….waiting….waiting… why haven’t I heard him cry?  That is SO the perfect excuse of why I ‘just can’t write tonight.’ 

 But he’s sleeping soundly.  And I have run out of excuses and Glennon got me inspired (and pissed, cause she’s doing something I can’t get myself to DO) – so I’m sitting here…. writing (grumble…grumble).

I feel I’ve been given a gift.  Undercover Healers.  Its two words that describes exactly what I’ve been waiting for for so long.  A way to describe, a way to frame, a way to get honest about who I am and what I know to be true about life.  But if I really write about it – people will think I’m crazy, I won’t have anything original or interesting to say, I will flop, or even scarier, people will read it and then they’ll tell me what they think, and I will be pulled like a bull by its nose ring (cause every self-respecting bull has a nose ring!) to what ‘the world’ thinks of me.  And what if I just sit and WRITE Damn it!!!!

If I were to write from my heart – right now – at 12:49 am on Thurs. Oct. 23rd – I would say – connection is healing. 

When we disconnect or feel disconnected, that’s when life goes to shit.  So if I’m listening to my own advice, then my job right now is to connect. 

Earlier this morning I had the presence of mind to use one of my tools.  I gave myself Reiki – on my stomach and hips, and I did it long enough to feel connected.  About 90 seconds.  And from there, the rest of my day was different.  Because I felt what it is like to be in my body and feel at home there.  So from there, as I walked into the kitchen and saw the mountain of dishes and considered the process for making the breakfast oatmeal, I didn’t feel ‘rush, rush, hurry so you get 1.5 tasks complete before the baby toddles in.”  I just thought – I’ll put away some dishes before I start to wash these.’  And I did.  Breakfast got made.  Dishes got done (by 5 in the evening), and most importantly, I was present to my day.  And to my son.  And to my peace.  And the truth is – its been a gosh darn good day.

Being present to my day meant I was inspired by Glennon Doyle.  It meant I asked for help from my boss in a situation I would have previously tried to ‘tough it out.’  Since I asked for support I found out an amazing way to respond to a client’s issue that will support her better.  So we all got supported instead of me being a fake hero (hero in my ego mind, but feeling like a fake the whole time). 

1:06 am:  So… he just woke up – and I went in to be with him.  And now he’s asleep.  I think 12 minutes went by.  And I’m back.  I think I just have to write.  And not just write. I think I have to tell the whole truth.  I think that’s the only way this thing is going to happen. 

What I know:  This is where my friend Le’Ann told me to start.  What I know: that connection saved me.   I wasn’t on a bridge, ready to jump and then realized connection is the answer.  But I was living an inside miserable life.  So unhappy, so angry, so unsure why. 

It was connection with myself that turned out to be what I was missing most.  Missing, like didn’t have, and missing, like longing for it so badly I didn’t know IT was what was gone.  Cause when you don’t know something’s possible, how you gonna ask for it? 

I just knew I didn’t want to hate my body anymore.  I knew I didn’t want this constant angst that I wasn’t enough, could never do enough, that I had to serve others cause I’m not good enough, so cloak myself in one vice or another, sugary buttery foods, busyness and ‘knowing it all’ being the favorites. Whatever it takes to hold off those darn demons for another half moment. 

When I was getting up from being with Cassius, the sassy voice in my head said, “you know, if he wakes up you’re just going to have to come back in here.’  Like – duh!  Like I wouldn’t, or that it would make this time wasted because I go back in to bed eventually.  For goodness sake, these voices in my head!

So somehow in the midst of it all – I managed to write this down.  I managed to sit here and get this written.  Glennon said today in one of her many speeches I watched that women of courage start before they’re ready.  That when we wait til we are ‘ready’ it’s just another hiding spot.  I get that. 

I don’t want to hide anymore.  A mentor of mine, Annie, told me that healers don’t fit in the closet.  That its time to come out of the closet and stop ‘breathing someone else’s stale air.’ 

You know – what saved me first was connecting to myself.  And now I think what’s offering a life line is connecting with you.  Its not that connecting with myself became less helpful, its just that this urge to write and hear my own voice has gotten really persistent.  And I’ve been pretending to start for a long time.  But staying hidden because it was all in the planning to start.  Planning was a really convenient way to stave off the actual unveiling.  The actual closet door opening and me taking one, two, three steps out of it. 

1:27am: Less than 1 hour has gone by and I’ve written all of this AND nursed my baby back to sleep.  I’m saving this puppy, closing this lid, and going to bed.  I did it!



Introducing Undercover Healers

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Hello and happy Aug. 29th to you all!!

I am pretty darn giddy to be sending out this newsletter – my first ever newsletter in my 6 years in business. Wow – that feels significant.

What was I waiting for all this time?  A message that felt ready to be shouted from the rooftops, I guess.  And now here I am – dusty from a long road, with my beautiful 10-month son, Cassius, in tow – ready to open up.

Feels liberating, exciting and also scary.  It’s that beautiful alchemical mixture of evolution, growth and change.  And what better time than as we head into the conclusion of summer and into the time of harvest?

What I am sharing about came together during a late-night feeding/walking/rocking session with Cassius where I was internally questioning what in the world I’m doing with my work – what is it all about?  Who does it serve?  What am I doing anyway?  And in that 3 am style of clarity, something appeared - Undercover Healers.  It’s what I am, it’s who I am meant to serve, it’s the name of the work I am called to share.  I am proud and humbled to be able to share it here.


Here is a picture of me and our little guy enjoying the ocean for the first time – so many firsts this summer – for him and for me!

Introducing Undercover Healers

The work of Undercover Healers is meant to get to the root of healing.  It demystifies and brings it from an out-of-reach realm and into the beautiful mystery of our everyday lives. Healing work is about engaging in the mystery of life all around us.  The cycles of birth, growth, regeneration, transformation, death – it is within us all to understand these cycles deeply and get to the root of healing.

What I believe is that no matter your livelihood or profession, if you contribute to creating connection – to oneself, between others, and to the Earth – you are a healer.

This connection dissolves conflict.

And where conflict dissolves, there is healing.


I call this work ‘undercover’ because healers can be found everywhere – in every profession, within any subject matter.  We are bartenders, bakers, yoga teachers, school teachers, administrative assistants, massage therapists, naturalists, architects, artists, coaches, therapists, graphic designers, animal lovers, program managers, and on and on and on.

The important thing isn’t what we do, it’s how we do it.

We connect.  And through connection, we are healers.

But coming to understand our healing gifts, manage them, and express them authentically is an ongoing journey, and that’s where this work and our community comes in to support and guide us.

Undercover Healers are:

- creative

- deep feeling

- sensitive

- intuitive

- empathic

- spiritual yet grounded

- desire to live a life of purpose

- value deep connection

In my own life I always felt like an outsider to the word ‘Healer.’ I felt that healing work was only done by ultra-enlightened gurus.  That a young woman from a small town in Michigan couldn’t hope to attain the ranks of being a healer.

What I have come to realize, through a lot of soul searching, research, experimentation and practice, practice, practice – is that healing work is not for the few, or the gurus on high.  It’s for so many of us.

So as I introduce this work, and this community I’m wondering what this stirs within you.  Where do you see yourself fitting into healing work, from this definition?  Where do you see you create connection in your life – either to yourself, to others or to the Earth – or all three?

I offer an opportunity below to engage in this work at another level – an invitation to join me in connecting to what is sacred in our everyday lives and feel that within ourselves and in community.  It is in-person in Brooklyn, NY.  For my community that is spread across the country and globe, I will have more opportunities for virtual connection coming soon.   I hope you’ll join me.

My best,



Special Invitation

Feeling overwhelmed and burned out from living in a bustling, noisy city?

Desire a place to connect with yourself, your intuition, and fellow sensitive, deep feeling creatives?

Have experience or curiosity in Reiki or other healing modalities and desire to learn more, practice, and share?

If so, this night is dedicated to you.

You are invited to the first-ever,

Night Dedicated to What’s Sacred

Healing mentorship and practice for Undercover Healers


In this evening you will receive:

-       tools for connecting to your healing gifts

-       the opportunity to connect with yourself and get in touch with your intuition and inner wisdom

-       connection with fellow undercover healers who also feel the world deeply

-       the opportunity to offer Reiki (if you are a practitioner at any level)

-       the opportunitiy to receive Reiki.

For those new to it, Reiki is a gentle hands-on-healing modality centered around channeling universal life force energy in the form of love.  I teach this modality as it is an excellent way to connect into your core and authentic self.

You need no experience in Reiki or other formal healing work to join.  All are welcome.

The event is happening on Tues. Sept. 16th from 6:30-8:30 pm.  It is located in Bushwick, Brooklyn, off the Jefferson L Train. My experience in hosting events is that they fill pretty quickly and space is limited in my lovely living room.  So please let me know right away if you’d like to come by emailing me at to reserve your spot.  The event is $20.  I would love to have you join!


Integration of life and work

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my son is sleeping after a rough night of cramps.  He tried broccoli for the first time last night and although he loved it and munched and munched  - it seems it didn’t go through his system very easily.  So crying, fart, smile.  Rinse and repeat.

While he slept I got a text from a student that she was running behind – she had cramps all morning.


Perfect segway into the topic of today’s writing – integration.

Why do we put such a barrier between life and work?  When clearly they are integrated and connected.

My client is coming over while my baby is here with us.  He might be sleeping.  He might wake and then we can give him attention.

Our subject matter is learning Reiki – and channeling Universal Life Force energy in the frequency of love.   Cassius has so much to teach us about love.  I’m excited he’ll be here with us – and a little nervous.  Its untraditional.

We are so accustomed to a strong barrier between life and work.  My inner critic says, “get a babysitter silly (one of her nicer adjectives to describe me).  How unprofessional to have a paying student come while your 8-month old is here.”

And then I checked in on that.  I checked in on the reality of the situation vs. the critic’s opinion.  The reality is this student and I feel a connection for each other.  We respect each other and our lives and there is space to explain that when she comes over for learning Cassius will be here with us.  And she was honestly excited to spend time with him while she learns this new modality.  A win-win.

Not a ‘should’ – I SHOULD get a babysitter if I’m a professional teacher.  More like a checking in on the reality of the moment and the connection I have with the people I work with – and a trusting of the love between all of us.  And honest communication.

What would our world be like if we all felt integrated between our life and work?  What if they weren’t separate things that always require a professional response.  What if we showed up as just who we are for the work we do?


When It all Feels Like Too Much

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You ever have the feeling like the world is just too much?  Too many expectations?  Too much to do?  Too much pressing down from all sides?  I so get that.  I not only lived with this feeling for decades but it still comes back to play.

As sensitive, creative, deep feelers, the world can feel like too much a lot of the time.  It may become a constant feeling in the background that we forget there’s a different way to feel.  Its so important to recognize that this feeling can go away and you can feel balanced and peaceful more often.

This morning I woke up like a piano had taken residence on top of my chest.  And back.  And head.  Heavy.  Muck-like.  Slogging through, I was irritable, snappy.  Low patience level for my little guy.  It all just felt like too much.

Does this feel familiar?

I’ve learned a few things that DON’T work when I’m feeling this way.

What Doesn’t Work when it all feels like too much:

1) Figure it out – my go-to no matter how much work I’ve done is to try to ‘figure out why’ I feel this way.  What’s the REASON?  Its like I’m looking for the perpetrator of my dismay and depression and when i find IT all will be well.  Sorry fellas- that is a mind game, and although I have found excellent ‘reasons’ why I’m in a funk it doesn’t truly help me to release it and move forward.  It can keep me stuck.  Its like the same energy that got me into the depression pickle is trying to get me out of it and that’s not effective.  So let’s cross THINKING IT OUT off the list.

2)  Grin and Bear it.  I’m a strong cookie.  So I can withstand a crapload of icky feelings inside and put a smile on my face so the world thinks All Is Well within.  This repression technique is icky to the core and perpetuates the feeling of isolation inside.  So let’s skip right pass this doozy.

3)  Destruction Agenda. This one is about what external object or thing can fake fill the neediness inside.  My crutch in this category is food.  Sugary, fatty, dense food.  Often the cheaper and quicker the better.  This is a way I get love and sweetness from an external object that I can completely control.  The activity of eating (or put your addiction of choice here – tv, sex, alcohol, complaining, feeling better than, arguing, picking on, drugs, working, etc.) works to stuff your true self so that you have the feeling of being full, but its really an empty promise.  My food coma, headache, and nausea prove its empty every time.  Cause a real solution wouldn’t ADD distance and problems, it would create closeness, intimacy, and connection.

And that’s where we come to the things that DO work.  This is a working list, here’s my latest on what I’ve found can help me shake those ‘The World Is Too Much” Blues.

What Does Work when it all feels like too much

1) Do Something That Scares Me – This one works if the thing that scares me is in alignment with a primary goal of mine.  Let me give an example.  Today I awoke with that ‘ICK’ feeling and I am also teaching Reiki today.  Teaching is something I love and it is a primary goal of mine to express myself in that way.  A woman I deeply respect and enjoy her company was coming to my house and learning how to channel Reiki.  It was scary that she was coming at a time when I would be with my 7-month old and I was going to ‘see how it goes.’  I dream of having a casual teaching practice where I teach alongside living my life.  No masks or fake professionalism.  A comfortable practice that includes all parts of my life, including my son.  An overall FEELING of love in the house as we learn Reiki, a technique about channeling love energy.  Full alignment.

But I was scared.  What if Cassius cries?  What if its distracting and not a good practice?  What if I’m an idiot?

So I did it.  And the moment she walked in the door and greeted my cat I felt amazing.  This is something I’ve wanted to create and I am in the process of it now.  That felt great and I felt the piano get lighter and lighter and lighter.

2) Move.  Get some energy moving.  Just like in the list of things that DON’T work, my mind is often what gets me into the depression pickle, so its not the thing to get me out.  My body can help here.  So move it.  I dance to hot music, go for a brisk walk in the park, stomp my feet on the ground, shout it out, hit a pillow, beat a yoga mat against the couch, move some energy and take some deep breaths.  When I do this technique it takes a few rounds of movement through the day to shake the blues, but it is effective.  Gets me out of my head and into my body.  and in my body is the present moment.  And that’s a blues fighter.

**A Note about using movement – I find that in using this technique I am really making a commitment to shake off the blues.  Cause a way to tell myself I’m working on it is to THINK about it (but that’s b.s. because it doesn’t work).  A way to DO something about it is to move.  So if you’re willing to move that’s a great thing.  

3) Bring Awareness.  For this technique I activate the observer within me and watch myself from afar.  This helps me bring more lightness to my life and situation and it allows me to discover creative solutions I didn’t see before.  Using this technique has helped me to get the motivation to get out of the house and enjoy a new park, write a blog post, reach out and connect with someone who I feel great around.  This technique is different than using my logic to ‘figure out’ the problem.  I’m not figuring anything out here, I’m just observing without judgement.  and whenever I do that I feel lighter and it activates my creativity.  Being present without judgment is a very healing feeling and you can offer it to yourself (isn’t that cool?)

Today I am feeling so much better after using technique 1 of Doing Something that Scares Me.  So now I’m doing the second thing that scares me and posting this blog about my process.  I’m on a roll.

my best,