12:32 am: Usually he’s woken up three times by now, but tonight he’s fast asleep. My go-to excuse for not writing is a 12-month old- and he’s such a champ with the interruptions. Since he’s quiet I’m left to my own devices. I have gone through all the normal motions of ‘inspiration’ that don’t actually get me writing. I’ve poured over Glennon Doyle McKennon’s blog and YouTube speeches, I’ve watched an entire movie with Cooper because ‘bonding time is important’, I’ve killed some roaches in our kitchen cause ‘thems Got to go’, gave fresh water to the cat… and I’m waiting….waiting….waiting… why haven’t I heard him cry? That is SO the perfect excuse of why I ‘just can’t write tonight.’
But he’s sleeping soundly. And I have run out of excuses and Glennon got me inspired (and pissed, cause she’s doing something I can’t get myself to DO) – so I’m sitting here…. writing (grumble…grumble).
I feel I’ve been given a gift. Undercover Healers. Its two words that describes exactly what I’ve been waiting for for so long. A way to describe, a way to frame, a way to get honest about who I am and what I know to be true about life. But if I really write about it – people will think I’m crazy, I won’t have anything original or interesting to say, I will flop, or even scarier, people will read it and then they’ll tell me what they think, and I will be pulled like a bull by its nose ring (cause every self-respecting bull has a nose ring!) to what ‘the world’ thinks of me. And what if I just sit and WRITE Damn it!!!!
If I were to write from my heart – right now – at 12:49 am on Thurs. Oct. 23rd – I would say – connection is healing.
When we disconnect or feel disconnected, that’s when life goes to shit. So if I’m listening to my own advice, then my job right now is to connect.
Earlier this morning I had the presence of mind to use one of my tools. I gave myself Reiki – on my stomach and hips, and I did it long enough to feel connected. About 90 seconds. And from there, the rest of my day was different. Because I felt what it is like to be in my body and feel at home there. So from there, as I walked into the kitchen and saw the mountain of dishes and considered the process for making the breakfast oatmeal, I didn’t feel ‘rush, rush, hurry so you get 1.5 tasks complete before the baby toddles in.” I just thought – I’ll put away some dishes before I start to wash these.’ And I did. Breakfast got made. Dishes got done (by 5 in the evening), and most importantly, I was present to my day. And to my son. And to my peace. And the truth is – its been a gosh darn good day.
Being present to my day meant I was inspired by Glennon Doyle. It meant I asked for help from my boss in a situation I would have previously tried to ‘tough it out.’ Since I asked for support I found out an amazing way to respond to a client’s issue that will support her better. So we all got supported instead of me being a fake hero (hero in my ego mind, but feeling like a fake the whole time).
1:06 am: So… he just woke up – and I went in to be with him. And now he’s asleep. I think 12 minutes went by. And I’m back. I think I just have to write. And not just write. I think I have to tell the whole truth. I think that’s the only way this thing is going to happen.
What I know: This is where my friend Le’Ann told me to start. What I know: that connection saved me. I wasn’t on a bridge, ready to jump and then realized connection is the answer. But I was living an inside miserable life. So unhappy, so angry, so unsure why.
It was connection with myself that turned out to be what I was missing most. Missing, like didn’t have, and missing, like longing for it so badly I didn’t know IT was what was gone. Cause when you don’t know something’s possible, how you gonna ask for it?
I just knew I didn’t want to hate my body anymore. I knew I didn’t want this constant angst that I wasn’t enough, could never do enough, that I had to serve others cause I’m not good enough, so cloak myself in one vice or another, sugary buttery foods, busyness and ‘knowing it all’ being the favorites. Whatever it takes to hold off those darn demons for another half moment.
When I was getting up from being with Cassius, the sassy voice in my head said, “you know, if he wakes up you’re just going to have to come back in here.’ Like – duh! Like I wouldn’t, or that it would make this time wasted because I go back in to bed eventually. For goodness sake, these voices in my head!
So somehow in the midst of it all – I managed to write this down. I managed to sit here and get this written. Glennon said today in one of her many speeches I watched that women of courage start before they’re ready. That when we wait til we are ‘ready’ it’s just another hiding spot. I get that.
I don’t want to hide anymore. A mentor of mine, Annie, told me that healers don’t fit in the closet. That its time to come out of the closet and stop ‘breathing someone else’s stale air.’
You know – what saved me first was connecting to myself. And now I think what’s offering a life line is connecting with you. Its not that connecting with myself became less helpful, its just that this urge to write and hear my own voice has gotten really persistent. And I’ve been pretending to start for a long time. But staying hidden because it was all in the planning to start. Planning was a really convenient way to stave off the actual unveiling. The actual closet door opening and me taking one, two, three steps out of it.
1:27am: Less than 1 hour has gone by and I’ve written all of this AND nursed my baby back to sleep. I’m saving this puppy, closing this lid, and going to bed. I did it!